So my youngest …the one that was forever a baby… turned 21 this year. Enough already…it’s time to relinquish the baby spotlight, right? Wrong! So NOT ready!! This 21st century grandmother is in for a real awakening. I thought I was prepared…eh!! Ding, ding, ding…wing it!!

Number One Rule? GOOGLE!! !! I remember distinctly learning everything about birth and babies from a book written by Dr. Spock (no NOT the one of the pointy ears). There were barely any real photographs in the book…mostly drawings of babies in utero and depictions of vaginal deliveries or c-sections. In those before days, if you saw a live birth on television, you watched it in between two fingers across your one open eye. I kind of just took everything in stride and per se (just like Catholic education).

Now, the Learning Channel has a daily show about Bringing Home Baby…so you pretty much know what can happen. But still…nothing prepares you for the real thing.

As we approach D-day my daughters and I spent a day each week dreaming about life with baby. We lunched (Cheesecake Factory WAS a fave). I realized I was just as infanticipating as my own kid. I forgot what to look out for! One day, it dawned on me that I needed a refresher course, so I went online to check out “Signs of Early Labor”.

E.L. Sign Number One: You clean your house, drawers, furnitures, etc. In our instance, it was their garage. Apparently, it’s called “NESTING”. Huh???? I never nested! I remember maids washing clothes and me smelling the baby detergent. I do not remember cleaning a house. But, apparently…mammals do it. So do birds.

E.L. Sign Number Two: You’ll lose your mucous plug. Your WHAT? Google me to the rescue! It took but ten minutes to read everything there was to know and understand everyone’s blogged experience on losing it! “I lost my mucous plug two weeks ago and am still pregnant”. Why can’t they just say “you bleed”. Mucous plug sounds awful. “Did you look at it?”, I asked. Ok, so to those currently checking out ‘the plug’….it’s not time to check in yet, ok? You’re close, but not yet!

All this time, and to us it was a total of about 3 weeks of WAITING for the kettle to boil (and eating like it would be our last meal) I’m assuring my own kid that ”everything is alright”. (where’s the baby!! is only in my head…I could never say that out loud). I feel so dumb and I can’t show it. I have no clue what’s going on. Everything is ancient. Medicine is different. Doctor’s are too far advanced for this ancient boomerdang.

Maternal instinct to the rescue. Here I go into protective mode. I never admit my inadequacies. I, after all…am MOM!!

E.L. Sign Number Three. Braxton Hicks (not related to Toni Braxton) Contractions? Don’t panic. It’s not time to check in yet! Wait till they’re just a couple minutes closer! Walk the shopping malls, not the hospital halls!! I learn more things on Google. What the heck is being ‘effaced’ and where the heck in the body is -2 station? !! Hello!! It sounds like human body coordinates!! So, who’s navigating? Where’s the baby!!

As it turns out, and just like the days of our great great grandest parents, baby comes when baby’s ready. Tried and true tested. Forget the castor oil, forget the sex. If you dream it, they will come.

OCCASION: Delivery Day
LOCATION: Birthing Room.
DESCRIPTION: Mom is in her bed, hooked up. There is a living room for us lookie loos. There is a baby basinnet, weighing machine and everything baby will need
CAST OF CHARACTERS: MomToBe(of course!), DadToBe (yeah!), sister of the mom (excited), mom of the mom (still thinks she knows it all) and sister of the mom of the mom (party crasher and designated videographer), nurse (looks like Julia Roberts!), neonatologist, NICU doctor….and at the VERY LAST SECOND……The DOCTOR.

There are soooo many contraptions in the birthing room! Mom is strapped when we arrive with our own rendition of paparazzi in tow and our individual Venti Starbucks beverages. It is 530am. We see monitors for mom and baby’s heart…contraction indicators that look like a Richter Scale. I swear…technology, you have overcome me. “Mom, tell me when my contraction’s over”, she tells me, while twiddling her thumbs. She feels nothing. Incredible, 21st century pain free, spa-environmental birthing centers! Mommy can sleep in between contractions now. It was so easy!! In retrospect…I’m glad that it was difficult then. Or my 21 year old would not have been the youngest.

Ahhh…generation gap finally has it’s perks. Science, machines, medical technology. Birthing stress is nil. Pain is as tolerable as you can take it…or none. For baby number two, we are booking the manicurist.

If only they had a way to make the rest of life as comfortable, as ‘effaced’ and as zero station as possible. We’d be right on the money!

What’s in a name. Grandma, Oma, Avo, Abuelita, Abuela, Lola, Mamma, Mia….names, titles, rank?

I don’t know who I feel like. It’s one of the above, or none of the above. I am a grandmother and I lived to see my grandson. With Divine Intervention, I will live to watch him play ball one day, run the bases or throw a pass. He was born on August 9 and on that day, life as I knew it changed. He was born when we least expected and anticipated. Two days after his due date. We were so ready for him..but we could never have comprehended how wonderful it would be.

He came rather easily – thank you, epidural. There was so much fanfare in the birthing room that it took me a moment to realize what had happened. I’ve crossed over! I am now someone’s grandmother. My child just delivered her first baby. Her life, her dream..I got to see it born.

The funny thing is, my aha moment came 10 minutes late! “I’m never gonna have to diet again!” was the first thing on my mind! “Someone’s gonna love me no matter what!”. No muumuus, though. But just enough reason for me to enjoy an extra serving of something ‘grandparental’……chocolate cake!

So today, August 27…for dinner, I had a serving of carrot cake and a serving of chocolate cake.

Ugh…I feel fat.

I can’t cross over yet! Yikes!!